What do women actually find attractive in men?

Answer by Marni Kinrys Founder, The Wing Girl Method · 4 min read

Marni's answer

I'm Marni Kinrys, founder of The Wing Girl Method. I've been answering this question for 22 years and I'm gonna give it to you straight.

Women aren't attracted to what you think we are.

We're not really attracted to your face. Or your car. Or your paycheck. Those things get us CURIOUS. They get us to talk to you. They don't make us want you.

What makes us want you is way weirder — and way more in your control — than you think.

The truth women don't say out loud

Here's the thing. If you asked a woman at a bar what she finds attractive, she'll say something like 'a good sense of humor, kindness, a guy who's ambitious.' That's true. Kind of. But it's not the WHOLE truth.

Because when we're picturing that guy in our head — the funny, kind, ambitious one — we're already picturing a guy we're attracted to. We edited out the part where our body decided he was hot. We forgot to tell you about that part.

The attraction part happens FIRST. Before humor or kindness even get a vote. And it happens in a place way below your conscious control.

The 5 things that actually make us want you

1. Confidence — real, not performed. You know who you are and you don't need me to tell you.

2. Presence — you're actually HERE with me. Not on your phone. Not rehearsing your next line. Present.

3. Humor with an edge — playful teasing, not people-pleasing jokes. Make me laugh AND make me think.

4. Curiosity about ME — not the idea of me. Not my body. ME. Actually wanting to know what I think.

5. Standards — knowing what you want, and being willing to walk. A man who can leave is a man worth staying with.

The Tony story

Let me tell you about a guy I coach. Tony, 45, divorced, San Diego. Two kids. Corporate job. Good guy in every way that counts.

Tony called me last year and said 'Marni, I don't get it. I'm the guy any woman SHOULD want. I'm kind. I'm stable. I'd treat her right. Why can't I get a second date?'

So I asked him about a recent one. He told me he took her to a nice restaurant. Complimented her three times before the appetizer. Asked her a bunch of questions about herself. Was really engaged and listening the whole time.

I said Tony — you didn't take her on a date. You took her to a job interview where she was the boss and you were auditioning. She wasn't attracted to you. She was BEING INTERVIEWED by you.

What we changed

I told him — on the next date, stop trying to impress her. Stop asking rapid-fire questions. Have opinions. Push back playfully when she says something you disagree with. Tease her about something. Let there be silences.

Six months later Tony's in a relationship with a woman he actually LIKES. Not one he was trying to convince to like him.

The difference? He stopped auditioning.

Common mistakes men make

• Complimenting her looks in the first 5 minutes — makes you look like you're trying too hard
• Interview-style rapid-fire questions instead of a real conversation
• Agreeing with everything she says to keep her happy
• Texting back within 3 seconds every single time
• Making her the center of your world before she's even earned it

What to do instead

• Show up grounded. Slow down. Don't rush to fill every silence.
• Tease her gently. Playfully disagree. Have opinions.
• Have a life outside of her. A man with a mission is exponentially hotter than a man with time to burn.
• Ask her something interesting — a scenario, a theory — not 'so what do you do?'
• Let her earn your interest. Don't hand it to her before she's shown up as someone worth handing it to.

Marni's take

You don't need to become someone else to be attractive. You need to stop APOLOGIZING for being who you are. The moment you stop performing, stop chasing, stop trying to convince women you're worth their time — that's when it starts working. Because THAT guy? The one who has his own life and isn't sweating whether she likes him? That guy is magnetic. And you can be him. Today. Right now.

Key takeaways

• Attraction is how you make her FEEL, not what you have.
• Confidence, presence, humor, curiosity, and standards are the 5 traits that matter.
• Stop auditioning. Stop trying to impress her. Just be present.
• The man who can walk away is the man women want to stay with.