How do I message a woman on a dating app?

Answer by Marni Kinrys Founder, The Wing Girl Method · 4 min read

Marni's answer

I'm Marni Kinrys, founder of The Wing Girl Method. First messages on dating apps are where 90% of matches die. Because 90% of first messages are terrible. Let me show you how to do it right.

Why generic messages fail

She has 50 messages in her inbox. 40 of them say 'hey' or 'how's your day going.' Those messages get instantly ignored — not because they're offensive, but because they're INVISIBLE. Nothing stands out.

For her to respond, she needs one thing — a REASON. A reason to smile. A reason to be curious. A reason to type back.

Your job in the first message: give her a reason.

The formula that works

Step 1: Reference something specific from her profile. Not her looks. Her photo of Italy. Her mention of dogs. Her weird favorite food.

Step 2: Add a playful spin. Tease. Make a scenario. Ask a fun question.

Step 3: Keep it short. Two sentences max.

Example — her profile mentions she loves tacos: 'Genuinely need to know — hard shell or soft? Because you're either about to become my favorite person or we have a serious problem.'

That works because it's (1) specific to her, (2) playful, (3) short, and (4) requires an actual response.

The messages that fail

'Hey.' Dead on arrival.

'How's your day going?' Boring. Also, generic — she can tell.

'You're gorgeous.' She's heard it a thousand times. Doesn't land.

'Hey beautiful, how are you.' Combines the last two. Somehow worse.

Long paragraphs explaining why you liked her profile. Too much too soon.

Trying to be too smooth. She smells it.

Sexual openers. Not on a normal dating app. Wrong tool for that job.

Ravi and the ratio flip

Ravi, 29, single, Austin. Was matching decently on apps but getting maybe 1 response out of every 10 messages sent. Which is bad.

I looked at his messages. Every single one was 'Hey! How are you?' or 'Hi, hope you're having a great day.'

I said Ravi — you're sending the exact message every other guy sends. She can tell you're not even reading her profile. Of course she's not responding.

We rebuilt his approach. Every message now started with something specific from her profile + a playful twist.

Her profile mentions she just adopted a dog: 'Serious question — did you adopt the dog for yourself, or is it a plot to make everyone on Hinge fall in love with you?'

Her profile talks about hiking: 'I need to know if you're a real hiker or one of those Instagram hikers who takes photos at the trailhead and turns around.'

His response rate went from 10% to about 60%. Same guy. Same profile. Better messages. That's how much this matters.

Common mistakes men make

• Sending 'hey' or 'how are you' as your opener
• Complimenting her looks in the first message
• Copy-pasting the same message to every match
• Sending long paragraphs on the first message
• Trying to be too smooth or too sexual too fast

What to do instead

• Reference something specific from her profile.
• Add a playful spin — tease, question, scenario.
• Keep it short — 1-2 sentences.
• End in a way that requires a real response.
• Never lead with a compliment on her looks.

Marni's take

Here's the whole first-message game. She has 50 boring messages in her inbox. Yours needs to stand out for ONE reason — you actually read her profile and gave her something specific to smile at. That's it. Not a pickup line. Not a compliment. Not a paragraph. One specific reference + one playful spin + a reason to respond. Do that consistently and your response rate goes through the roof.

Key takeaways

• Reference something specific from her profile. Show you read it.
• Playful > polite. Tease, question, or scenario.
• Keep it SHORT. 1-2 sentences.
• 'Hey' and 'you're beautiful' are dead on arrival.