What’s the difference between what women say they want and what actually attracts us?

Answer by Marni Kinrys Founder, The Wing Girl Method · 5 min read

Marni's answer

I'm Marni Kinrys, founder of The Wing Girl Method. This is the question that's driven every man crazy at some point. What women SAY they want vs. what actually gets us going.

Here's the truth. We're not lying. We're just not telling you the whole story.

Why women describe it this way

When you ask a woman 'what do you want in a man,' her brain immediately pictures a SPECIFIC man. A man she's already attracted to. She's not thinking clinically — she's already got a picture in her head.

So when she describes him, she describes what makes him a good LONG-TERM PARTNER. Kind. Funny. Ambitious. Treats her well. Because the attraction part? That was already handled. That's how she got to picturing him in the first place.

It's like asking someone what they want for dinner while they're eating pizza. They'll describe the toppings. They won't tell you 'and it should be food that exists.' They forgot that part.

The three layers we don't say out loud

1. SOCIAL PRESSURE. We can't openly say 'I want a confident, masculine man who takes the lead and creates sexual tension.' It sounds vaguely regressive. So we say 'kind and funny' — which is also true.

2. WE WANT YOU TO FIGURE IT OUT. If we tell you exactly how to seduce us, it's not thrilling. We want a man who KNOWS. Who already GETS it. Who takes the lead without instruction.

3. IT'S ALREADY BAKED IN. When we picture our dream guy, we assume the attraction stuff. It's the foundation. So when we describe him, we describe the STUFF ON TOP OF THAT foundation — kindness, humor, ambition.

How Tony learned this

Tony, 45, divorced, San Diego. Told me for months — 'Marni, women say they want a nice guy. I'm a nice guy. Why aren't they choosing me?'

I said Tony — when women say we want a nice guy, we're picturing a HOT nice guy. A confident nice guy. A nice guy with a life. We forgot to mention the front-end stuff because in our head, that was assumed.

You have the nice-guy stuff nailed. That'll keep any woman IN a relationship with you. But it's not going to GET you the relationship in the first place.

You need to add the confidence, the standards, the sexual tension, the 'not chasing her' energy. The stuff we don't openly say we want but absolutely respond to.

Tony worked on the front-end stuff. Kept the nice-guy backend. Started attracting women. Then he could actually USE the nice-guy stuff to keep them. Both matter. Just at different stages.

The 2-stage attraction model

Stage 1 — GET her attention. Confidence. Presence. Sexual tension. Standards. A man who has a life. This is what SPARKS the attraction.

Stage 2 — KEEP her. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Emotional availability. Actual partnership. This is what makes her want to stay.

Most nice guys have Stage 2 and no Stage 1. So they never get IN the relationship.

Most jerks have Stage 1 and no Stage 2. So they get INTO relationships but they don't last.

The winning man has BOTH. And he's rare. Which is why women describe him as 'nice' but you keep watching them date jerks. She's waiting for the guy with both. And she doesn't know how to describe him.

Common mistakes men make

• Taking 'I want a nice guy' at face value and only being nice
• Not realizing there's a whole layer we're not saying
• Assuming what we describe is the whole picture
• Being all Stage 2 (kindness) and no Stage 1 (attraction)
• Getting bitter when the nice-guy strategy doesn't work

What to do instead

• Understand the 2-stage model: Stage 1 gets her, Stage 2 keeps her.
• Build the Stage 1 stuff — confidence, presence, standards, tension.
• Keep the Stage 2 stuff — kindness, thoughtfulness, partnership.
• Read what women DO, not just what we say.
• Aim for BOTH. That's the rare and desirable man.

Marni's take

Here's what I want every man to hear. Women aren't lying about what we want. We're just describing our dream guy from a place where the attraction is already assumed. Your job is to be the guy who has BOTH — the attraction stuff we don't say out loud AND the relationship stuff we do. When you have both, you become the guy every woman describes but almost never finds. And that guy? He's not confused about why women choose him. He's tired from turning them down.

Key takeaways

• Women aren't lying — we're editing out what we assume.
• The nice-guy list is what we say. Attraction is what we don't.
• Two stages: GET her attention (attraction), KEEP her (kindness).
• The winning man has BOTH. He's rare. And every woman wants him.