How do I approach a woman when she’s with her friends?

Answer by Marni Kinrys Founder, The Wing Girl Method · 4 min read

Marni's answer

I'm Marni Kinrys, founder of The Wing Girl Method. This one has a specific playbook because there's a THING you don't know about women in groups. I call it the Help Me Eyes.

Once you understand this, everything about approaching groups makes sense.

The Help Me Eyes

Here's a thing you didn't know. Women have a secret signal called the Help Me Eyes. It's the international female signal for 'save me from talking to this guy.'

It's incredibly subtle. Most men would never see it. But every woman within a 10-foot radius will FEEL it and come swoop in to rescue her friend.

You know how sometimes you're talking to a woman and out of nowhere her friend appears, has some 'emergency,' and pulls her away? That was the Help Me Eyes. You got signaled. You didn't even see it happen.

How to avoid getting the Help Me Eyes done on you

The way to avoid this? Don't make her want to escape.

1. Engage the whole group. Don't laser-focus on her. Talk to her friends too. Make everyone laugh.

2. Read her friends' faces. If they're getting bored, defensive, or protective — pull back. If they're leaning in and laughing — you're winning.

3. Don't hit on her in front of her friends. It embarrasses her. It puts her friends on defense. Not the play.

4. Show that you're SOMEONE they'd all want to hang with. Not a guy targeting one of them.

How to actually pull her aside

Once you've engaged the group and they like you, you can find a natural moment to get her aside. Not obviously.

'I want to grab a drink. Come with me for a minute?' Casual. Not a big deal. Her friends will let her go because they like you.

OR: 'I'd love to keep talking but you're with your friends — give me your number and I'll take you out for a real drink this week.' Direct. Respectful. She writes down the number and you leave. Everyone wins.

What you do NOT do: try to isolate her aggressively. Grab her arm. Insist on her leaving her friends. All red flags. All will get her friends on defense and result in the Help Me Eyes.

James and the group approach

James, 34, single, Denver. Would spot a woman he was into and try to laser in on her while ignoring her friends. Consistently would get pulled away by 'emergencies.'

I explained the Help Me Eyes to him. His mind was blown — he'd never realized. He'd been getting signaled dozens of times without knowing.

I told him — next time, engage the whole group. Make the friends laugh. Be someone THEY'd want their friend to date.

Next weekend, saw a woman with two friends at a bar. Walked up, made a joke about the ridiculous cocktail menu, got all three laughing. Was funny with all of them for 5 minutes. Then said, 'I actually came over because I wanted to meet YOU specifically — you good if we grab a drink at the bar for a sec?' Both friends said 'go, go, go!' She went.

Got her number. Went on three dates. All because he understood women protect each other in groups.

Common mistakes men make

• Laser-focusing on her and ignoring her friends
• Trying to isolate her aggressively
• Hitting on her in front of her friends (embarrassing)
• Making her friends feel like third wheels
• Not reading her friends' body language

What to do instead

• Engage the WHOLE group. Make everyone laugh.
• Read her friends' faces — they're your barometer.
• Don't hit on her in front of them — pull her aside gracefully.
• Get her number quickly. Then leave her with her friends.
• Win her friends. Winning HER becomes automatic.

Marni's take

Here's what most men don't get about women in groups. We PROTECT each other. Fiercely. Your job when approaching a group isn't to conquer one of us — it's to become the guy the WHOLE group wants around. Because if her friends like you, they'll push her toward you. If they don't, you're done — the Help Me Eyes are going to end you. Win the friends. The rest takes care of itself.

Key takeaways

• Never ignore her friends. They can end everything.
• The Help Me Eyes are real — women signal each other constantly.
• Engage the whole group. Make everyone laugh.
• Get her number, then leave her with her friends. Don't overstay.