Why do women say they want a nice guy but date jerks?

Answer by Marni Kinrys Founder, The Wing Girl Method · 4 min read

Marni's answer

I'm Marni Kinrys, founder of The Wing Girl Method. This is the question that has broken more men's hearts than any other. So let me finally give you the truth.

Women aren't lying. But we're also not telling you the whole story. And once you get what we're actually saying, you'll never be confused by this again.

What she's actually picturing when she says 'nice'

When a woman says 'I just want a nice guy,' here's what's actually happening in her head. She's picturing a specific man. A man she's ALREADY attracted to. A man who's confident, has standards, has a life, and ALSO happens to be kind and thoughtful and treats her right.

She's not picturing a random nice guy. She's picturing HOT-nice-guy. And she forgot to mention the HOT part because in her head, that was already assumed.

So when you — a genuinely nice guy — show up and you're kind and thoughtful and available, she goes 'huh, why am I not attracted to him? I said I wanted this.' Because she wanted the whole package. Not half of it.

Why jerks accidentally win

Chad, 33, single, Arizona. Total dick to be honest. Cocky. Kind of selfish. Not particularly kind. But three women want him at any given time.

How? He's not chasing. He's not apologizing. He's confident even when he shouldn't be. He has a life. He doesn't rearrange it for anyone. He'll disagree with a woman without breaking a sweat.

The traits Chad has that women respond to are NOT the jerk traits. They're the CONFIDENCE traits. He just happens to have both. And most nice guys have neither.

So the woman ends up with Chad thinking she's getting confidence. Six months in she realizes he's actually just an asshole and it ends. Then she says 'I just want a nice guy!' and the cycle starts over.

The version of you that wins

Nice + weak = friend zone forever.

Jerk + confident = short-term wins, long-term disaster.

Nice + strong = the guy every good woman is looking for and can barely find.

You keep the kindness. You add the spine. You become a man who is genuinely GENEROUS but won't be walked on. Who is thoughtful but has his own damn life. Who can be tender in bed and firm at the negotiating table.

That guy? He's not confused about why women are attracted to him. He's tired from turning them down.

Common mistakes men make

• Being nice as a strategy to get her to like you
• Confusing 'nice' with 'attractive' — they're different
• Giving and giving hoping she'll finally see your value
• Never disagreeing with her, ever
• Trying to be everything she wants instead of being fully yourself

What to do instead

• Keep every ounce of your kindness. Kindness is a gift.
• Add: opinions. Have them. Defend them.
• Add: standards. Say no to shit that doesn't work for you.
• Add: a life. Don't rearrange it for a woman until she's earned that.
• Give from strength, not from a place of needing her to like you back.

Marni's take

You don't need to become a jerk. God, please don't. You need to become STRONG. Nice is not a strategy — it's a personality trait. And when it's paired with strength, it becomes the rarest and most desirable combination on earth. Kind AND boundaried. Generous AND self-respecting. Loving AND willing to walk. That man wins every single time. And he doesn't finish last. He finishes with the woman every jerk was hoping to keep.

Key takeaways

• Women don't want jerks. We want confidence — jerks just accidentally have some.
• 'Nice' isn't the problem. Weak-nice is.
• Kind + strong = the rarest and most attractive combo.
• Keep the kindness. Add the spine. Win.