Wanted to share a quick email I just got from one of my past coaching clients, Mike. Mike came to me about a year ago to work on finding his true inner masculinity and self confidence with women.
Within months both Mike and I started seeing changes. He was getting stronger, gaining self confidence and creating a strong passion for life. It was pretty amazing.
He sent me an email today listing the discoveries he has made over the last year, which he know lives and breaths by.
Hey Marni,
I should preface this by saying that I am not ‘perfect'. I still make mistakes and sometimes screw up on the below and end up in the ‘friend zone'. But these are my discoveries…
1. Passion For Life: You have to be living a life that you feel passionate about. At some point she is going to want to know about you, and you are quite a ways there if you have some cool stories of your own to share with her. Doing aerial and Crossfit and learning to surf was terrific as far as meeting women, not so much due to meeting women at these places, but more because it gave me something great to talk about when I did go on dates…. A statement that always seems to turn on women: “I really want to do {worthwhile goal}, and so I have been {preparing for worthwhile goal}”
2. Self-Control: This takes on a bunch of different forms but here are a few that mean the most to me. (a) You can't be in any rush to share these stories. Let her talk and then when she asks you, then you can share. You will not only look gentlemanly, but it is also smart. The less you have to talk, the less likely you'll end up sticking your foot in your mouth! If she never does ask you about your life, then that is a good sign that she is not someone you want to get involved with. (b) You have to be comfortable with carrying your end of the conversation and let her carry her end. This means that you cannot be so quick to fill in the silences. Let there be pauses. (c) You have to not be too phased if she tells you something that is “really” impressive or intimidating such as “I played professional beach volleyball and now I model” or “I run my own business and have so much money I never have to work again” (d) Genuine appreciation is hot. But be very careful about giving too many compliments! The irony is that the more of them you give past the first one, the less genuine they actually look.
On the one hand, we want to make the girl feel comfortable, but on the other hand, we want the girl to invest in the interaction too, and ‘worry' just a little bit how she is coming across.
3. Self-awareness: The ability to ‘check in' to see how you are feeling, and see what is really going on. “I'm feeling a little unsettled because the conversation doesn't seem to be going anywhere good. Well when I asked her a perfectly nice question about her job, she just seems to be complaining. OK, it is her problem. Let's see what we can do to turn this around.” or “I am feeling nervous right now, and so I feel an urge to talk. But I am going to hold my tongue for a couple of seconds at least and see what happens.”
I know there are more. These are mine for now!
Best,
Mike
********